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What can I do to stop lying and how can I get rid of that in my life (and that of other people)? There are 10 strategies for you to stop lying.
According to Dr. House, “everyone lies.” Jokes aside, this statement is very true, as most of us face situations during our lives in which we do not want to deal with the truth (at least at some point).
In this article we will describe ten strategies that can help you break the pattern, stop lying and get rid of lying in your life.
First and foremost, it is necessary to understand what a lie is and the easiest way is through its characteristics.
See a summary of this part (in Portuguese, but you can turn subtitles on):
The liar:
- changes the message in a conscious way;
- changes or omits any essential information; and
- there is a purpose in lying.
So, keep in mind that not all altered information can be considered lies and that some are related to mental health problems and not to someone’s “character”. You can learn more about the characteristics of lying by reading our article “The Lie and three things you need to know”
Below, I present 10 strategies that will help you reduce or, why not even say, eliminate lies from your life. The first five are related to reflections you need to make to know the reasons why you lie and the last five are actions you can take with the aim of stopping lying.
Strategies for reflecting on lying in your life – 1 to 5 (stop lying)
See a summary (in Portuguese, but you can turn subtitles on) :
How to stop lying? 10 steps
1 – Examine the contexts where lying occurs;
2 – What kind of lies do you tell?
3 – Telling the truth is not the same as telling everything…
4 – Examine the purpose of your lies;
5 – Examine whether your lies are compulsive;
6 – Learn to say no and feel comfortable telling the truth (respect your limits);
7 – Accept situations as they are;
8 – Reflect: If I tell the truth, what’s the worst that could happen?
9 – Stop finding justifications for lying;
10 – One step at a time and you will be able to stop lying.
Explanation of each of these items below.
1Examine the contexts in which lying occurs
When you realize you’re lying, check:
- what is the topic?
- who are you telling a lie to?
- the place where it occurs? and
- if you are lying to feel better or prevent someone from feeling bad?
With this analysis, you will be able to discover the context in which your lies occur, shedding light on the reasons that make you lie. The last question listed above is essential for you to identify what are the emotions involved in this process. In any case, stopping lying will require you to reflect on what triggers your lies, is it work? Low self-esteem? Narcissism?
It won’t be easy but write down your answers and be honest with yourself before proceeding.
2What kind of lies do you tell?
The second strategy is to analyze the lies themselves. Below I give some examples of what types they can be.
- White lie? It is the one considered innocent, normally related to getting rid of an unwanted situation, such as not answering an inopportune phone call and saying that you are not there.
- Do you omit information? Human communication is omissive by nature, but omitting relevant information is a lie. About this see our article “Three aspects of lying”
- Do you tend to overdo it? Increase just a little? Improve the truth? This may reveal that the lying in your life is related to your self-image.
From the awareness of the nature of lies we take a first step to analyze their functionality for you. Remember that there is no such thing as a white lie, as ANY lie prepares the liar to lie more and better. About this see our article “Small or big: lies are lies!“
3Telling the truth is not the same as telling everything…
At this point in our reflection, it is important to highlight that telling the truth is not the same as telling everything. As previously stated, the communicative process is missive by nature. There is no time to say everything, nor to be listened to about everything.
So, in each conversation it is necessary to select what is relevant. This is the pure reality. To write this article I’m making a tremendous effort to reduce the words simply because there is a lot to say about how you can stop lying and get rid of lying and there are many examples to be exposed.
However, by making this selection (omitting several aspects), I improve the writing technique and increase the likelihood that you will not get bored with the text. These omissions are not lies….
Be careful with this aspect so you don’t feel guilty for nothing. You, me and everyone else will omit a lot of information throughout our lives without being liars.
4Examine the purpose of your lies
Every relevant lie has a purpose. To get rid of lies in your life and stop lying, you need to be sincere in reflecting on their purpose and the gains they can bring. When I talk about gains, this doesn’t necessarily mean financial gain, but mainly emotional gain, like lying to avoid hurting someone, for example.
5Examine whether your lies are compulsive
There are many people “lying” compulsively (strictly speaking, if someone lies compulsively, what they say cannot be considered a lie). The main characteristic of this type of “lie” is its lack of purpose.
If you can’t find a purpose in most of your lies or those of someone close to you, it’s possible that that person has a mental health problem. In these cases, a psychologist should be consulted.
Actions you need to take to stop lying and get rid of lies in your life – 6 to 10
See a summary (in Portuguese, but you can turn subtitles on) :
Learn to say no and feel comfortable telling the truth (respect your limits)
A very important step towards living a truer life is learning to respect your own limits. Many lies are related to this aspect. For example: a person who was an athlete when he was young continues to exercise excessively. When asked by a family member about a possible injury, she responds that everything is fine and that she doesn’t feel any pain, which, in this case, is a lie.
Continuing excessive exercise may occur because the person does not accept the aging process (however inevitable and well-known it may be) and lies because of their denial. In this case, the lie occurs due to the simpleemotional inability of the liar to deal with the truthof. About this, see the article “Why do some people lie unnecessarily?”
So one of the strategies we must use to interrupt this process is to respect our limits.
Learning to say no gently is extremely important to living a true life. Thinking that we have to fulfill every request they make of us is one of the most basic mistakes that throw us into the arms of lies. Instead of saying no, the person invents a story….
This will certainly be a great difficulty to be overcome, as many people seem to prefer listening to a lie rather than dealing with the truth (and this inability has nothing to do with those who tell the truth). This is so serious that it will deserve its own article in the near future.
7Accept situations as they are
Life is as it is. Rapadura is sweet but not soft…. So learning to accept things as they are and working hard to change reality is part of the maturity necessary for every human being. This is an aspect that will take time to develop but will bear fruit in a true journey in your life.
8If I tell the truth, what’s the worst that could happen?
Remember that “truth sets you free” and I do not use this expression in its religious sense. It frees you from the weight of lies, because the truth is the truth. It stands on its own and is usually easy to demonstrate, unlike a lie that needs a lot of work to be sustained.
In moments when you feel inclined to lie, ask yourself: “if I tell the truth, what is the worst thing that could happen?</span >” Regardless of the answer, tell the truth anyway…..
If you still find it difficult to take full responsibility for dealing with the truth, whatever it may be, make a progressive selection and reduce the amount of lies through this analysis. Over time, you will increase your tolerance to the aversive situations that the truth can bring.
It will be from this reflection that you will gain emotional strength to tell the truth.
9Stop finding justifications for lying
When a person has an established behavior in their life, it is more than expected that they will find justifications to continue acting in the same way. This occurs because behaviors are established for certain reasons (not always completely conscious). So the most common thing is that people do everything to maintain already established behaviors. It’s like a routine that tends to stick.
Stop trying to find justifications for these behaviors is the first step to breaking the evil chain of lies in your life.
I will exemplify using the lie that is told to a patient about their illness. People usually do this to “spare” the patient. They do not take into account that by doing so they are feeding a conception of the person’s emotional inability to understand their own end. Without realizing it and denying full awareness of their condition, they may be preventing that person from saying goodbye to their loved ones, from reflecting on aspects of life that many are only able to do when they face the reality of the end of their lives.
I could list a series of reasons why we should never hide from a person that their bodily life is coming to an end, but I understand that it is already possible to understand the reasoning. The justification given for this type of lie is to spare the person from further suffering…. Suffering is not knowing how to deal with the truth!
10One step at a time and you will be able to stop lying
The last strategy to be addressed here concerns the complexity of human behavior. Changing our behaviors is based on at least three aspects: (1) understanding what should be changed; (2) deal with emotions related to change; and (3) act so that change is established.
For a behavioral change to be successful, it is necessary to meet these three aspects simultaneously. For example, a person may be tired of knowing that smoking is bad for their health (cognition – first aspect), but for some reason they feel pleasure in the act of smoking, so they cannot deal with the second aspect. In this case, the change in behavior (stopping smoking) does not occur. To get rid of lying, or any other behavior, the process is the same.
So, if you have really decided to stop lying, remember that it is not easy to change behavior and don’t be frustrated by this already known difficulty. Take one step at a time and take as much time as necessary.
I really hope that you can stop lying and get rid of lies in your life or that you help someone else do so.
See more at:
Can you spot a lie by eye movement?
You can find other ideas in Dr. David Matsumoto (in English)
Keep following us up. My best
Sergio Senna